spreading the news

So I told one of my best friends today. I was kind, I waited until she had parked her car. She is probably the most rationale of my friends, so I knew she would be okay and i knew she would make me feel better, as well as understand why I was freaking out. She did make me feel better, and we even joked about how she was going to make me a bumper sticker that says "be nice to me, I have a brain tumor". We laughed really hard, really hard and that felt really good! And then later in the day I realized how many other people I have to tell when and if I have to tell people. There's at least 10 other people, who I will need to tell in person, preferably all at the same time. This sucks. I'm just going to keep the faith that I won't have to tell anyone anything. How does that sound?

how appropriate....

it's interesting that I should title my blog "what's inside my head" cause lo and behold there's something in my head that shouldn't be there. I have a pituitary tumor. it's tiny and it may turn out to be completely non functional, or it could turn out to completely mess with one or all of about 12 hormones in my body, so many questions that I have. it was found after I fell down 15 stairs in my house. I ended up with only a right sprained ankle and a bruised left foot. I have no recollection of falling so they scanned my head.... and there it is. Is it going to grow, if it's non-functioning now will it be functioning later. I'm scared. I just don't know. I told my Mom and told her i didn't want to to tell my brother cause I didn't want my niece to know. He called today asking if I was okay cause I was acting weird on Friday, he asked if everything was okay medically. I think my Mother told her something. I'll be so mad. It doesn't matter if she thinks he should be told, it's what I think that matters, isn't it. 5 people know, that's enough for now until I have more answers. there are just so many questions that are not answered and I'm kind of a control freak and I don't like not knowing. I just don't know.......

2009

Okay so I think I do this every year but here we go.... this is it... I'm doing it... I'm taking my life back! I'm smelling the roses, and whatever else I encounter along the way. I think what finally made me realize that there was so much of life that I was missing out on was shovelling.... I know weird right? But one snowy day, I was out with the 'hood and we were shovelling, one of my least favorite things to do in life, although with friends it can be somewhat entertaining... and my friend Noelle had on a black coat and all of a sudden I noticed snowflakes on her coat, and they were some of the most beautiful things I had ever seen, to the point that I had tears in my eyes. And I wanted to tell everyone I could see..... "do you see this???" It was nature at it's most perfect, God's little gift to us and I'm not religious but all I could think of was "thanks God, what a beautiful gift you've just given us, thank you for showing us".  It was one of the most awe inspiring events of my life and I hesitate to say that snowflakes could be life altering but I really think they were.... it was God's way of saying "slow down, you're missing out on so much... just take it easy and look around you". The best part, okay, maybe not the best part, but the funniest part was when my friend Alli came by and we showed her. She's from Florida and really isn't familiar with snow and it's flakes. She usually sees it in bulk form on the sidewalk. She was flabbergasted that snowflakes really looked like that. She thought we were making it all up... that someone, somewhere had designed them in an art studio one day and let me tell you... she was amazed! Even more so when my answer to her question "who made these like this?" was "God!" She liked that answer. She has a very deep rooted faith and I think just being around her has made it okay for me to be more open in mine.... and I like that. Well that and C-Jane and Stephanie and Christian making it through that plane crash. If that wasn't a true and honest miracle.... I don't know what is? Half of the world praying for one family and being able to feel the power of it all, has to make you believe in a higher power, whatever that higher power is for you. I don't even want to say what I think if it doesn't. I don't want to think that negatively. 

So, back to my point... I know I can digress with the best of them.... my point is that life is way too short and you only get one life and one body and with the help of some new people in my life (God really does work in mysterious ways) I'm going to do my best to get my life and body back on track and in shape because it's the only one I have and I don't know how long I have it for so I need to take care of it.  And the next step would be, logging off of here and emailing the trainer at my gym and saying "when can we meet?".

I'm sick therefore I'm introspective...

okay, so miserable is a harsh word, but I feel like I got run over by a truck which I would in general describe as a miserable feeling ergo, I'm miserable.... but nonetheless still introspective enough to have read Courtney's blog (Stephanie Nielson's sister) and felt as though she should never have thought to send everyone a thank you note, but as one should do when one receives a thank you, I said "you're most welcome" and thought that would be enough, but clearly it wasn't cause I'v been perseverating about it for hours now.

I keep coming back to their family and I cannot let them go... I find myself entrenched in their story. I read Courtney's blog as often as I can and I hope that the people I sent it to are reading it as well. I don't consider myself a terribly religious person but I do believe in God and Jesus Christ. Too many things have happened in my world that have pointed out that there is a higher power up there much stronger than me, looking out for me, helping me out when I need it, steering me in the right direction when I need a little clarity and I talk to him a lot, especially when I'm driving. It seems to me, as some of the other bloggers pointed out in their comments that reading Courtney's blog is almost like all of us praying at the same time. And that really kind of sunk in for me. I don't know about everyone else but when I read it, I often find myself in tears, sometimes happy, sometimes sad but I always find myself saying prayers for their families when I'm reading it. I wonder how many of us are reading at the same time, praying at the same time, and isn't that just the coolest thing? It reminds me of when Princess Diana died. How many of us got up super early to watch her funeral on TV? And when it was time to say the Our Father, how many of us, stopped what we were doing, and said that prayer all at the same time? That was so amazing to me, there were millions upon millions of people, all over the world, saying the Our Father all at the same time, in Lord knows how many different languages, but how awesome was that? And that's how I feel about Courtney's blog, I feel like it brings people from all over the world, all different backgrounds, religious beliefs, etc... and we all say a little prayer... perhaps all at the same time. I do believe that Stephanie and Christian would be proud of what their Sisters are doing.... I know I am. I'm in awe of the love and devotion this family has for each other... Mr and Mrs Clark, you certainly did do a good job of raising those kids of yours. Do you think they would adopt a kid from Boston? I figured it was worth a shot! My cat has taken over my laptop, apparently it's time for me to go.... 

bedtime, even though it's morning

So even though it's 8:35 in the morning, I'll beheading to bed soon. You see I work nights, did I mention that before? I can't remember. Generally what happens when I don't have to work that night, I come home and sleep for an hour and a half and then I'm up for the rest of the day. The roomies going to NH today with some friends, I would be going but Rascal Flatts is tomorrow night so she declined, politely, for me. I'll probably read for a while and then go to sleep. I'm reading Eclipse, #3/4 in Stephenie Meyer's series. I think I may be the only one routing for Jacob and I finally figured out why the other night... it's cause Edward is cold. I so could not be with anyone that was that cold. I freeze to death now as it is. I love the fact that Jacob is warm. I love how Stephenie describes her just nuzzling up next to him and how warm he is.... this to me is heaven. I don't want a guy who is described as "marble", nope thanks, move along, I'll take the werewolf!

So, normally I would tell my friends about weird things at work but since I'm a blogging fool now I've decided that I'm going to put some of the weird stuff here. Okay I was in the ER last night, and occasionally we get really bizarre stuff that comes in and honestly, yes we laugh, sorry, it's true, we're only human...  the weird one last night was the person who came in with a burn on his hand cause he accidentally put it into the deep fryer at the restaurant he works at!!!!! REALLY!!!???? How does one accidentally put anything into a deep fryer??? Seriously? I asked everyone how this "accidentally occurs" and noone could give me a good answer,  the patient says he was cleaning around it and not paying attention... "dude, it's a deep fryer, you should NEVER NOT be paying attention! I mean doesn't that oil get to something like 200 degrees or something crazy like that? He could have very easily lost his hand, but he barely even had blisters... it's all just strange. I'm thinking that he needs a new job. If he can't be diligent around a deep fryer, he needs a new assignment. I'm just saying....

oh I have to go book my flight to Vegas, my friend is getting married in October.... gotta go do that now. TTFN.

2:03am

so now it's after 2 and this weekend has so far been all about love. Thursday night I worked and although I had a light assignment (no complaints there, I think God was helping out with that one) I had an emotionally draining one. I had a patient who did not get very good news, who is about to make the most difficult decision of his life, one that could very easily end it. The decision is whether to have surgery or not. If he has it, he may not make it off the table, if he doesn't have it, there is a very real chance that he could die just walking down the street, any time now.  He asked me what I thought he should do and for some reason (again I truly believe divine intervention was working on my side here cause if I had had a busier assignment I would not have had the time) I actually knew what to say to this man. I told him that he needed to take the info that he had been given by our medical staff and get a second opinion. And then, he had to have a long talk with his wife. He said someone from our staff told him that he should make his wife make the decision. I was appalled! I told him absolutely not! We talked about how this had to be either his decision or it had to be completely understood that they both agreed on the decision that was made because if he had the surgery and he didn't make it, his wife could not think it was her fault. He then proceeded to tell me all about his wife, and how much he loved her, and how he knew when he met her that she was the one, and you could just see how absolutely content this man was being married to this woman. And then we started talking about not having the surgery and how at least that way he would still be alive, and he could still have turkey on Thanksgiving and he could still open his Christmas presents and he could find someone to finish the work on the house for his wife for the craft room she wanted to have, and then well, I had to go...because I was about to start crying and honestly, I couldn't cry in front of this man, cause I think that would have been the worst thing for him. I hugged him and told him that I knew whatever decision he came to would be the best decision for him, and if he changed his mind at the very last minute, that too was okay. I told him to go with whatever his heart told him to do, and I wished him the very best luck. And then I cried the whole way home... not entirely sure what the guy in the garage thought I was crying about, but I wasn't really caring at that point either.....

And then I came home, slept for about an hour and a half, my usual when I don't have to work that night and some friends came, and we went wedding dress shopping for my friend who is getting married in October. It took us all of an hour and a half! I'd be willing to be that is record time! We went to a bridal shop that I will not name cause I can probably get sued for that but the staff member that we were assigned was not very helpful, she would have been if she had stayed in the same room with us for more than 3 seconds, but alas she did not, but honestly we had a good system going and we were having a blast so maybe it was a good thing she wasn't around! The very first dress we made her try on turned out to be the style dress she ended up getting, a-line because it was beautiful on her. Did you ever have one of those days where everything just works, and instead of asking why, you just say a quiet thank you for everything cause you really just don't want to jinx it? This was one of those deals! The dress I showed her in the catalog as a potential, was in the store, in a size that could be altered within a reasonable amount of time, for practically no money (as far as alterations go), everything fell into place... it could not have been scripted any better! It even extended to the restaurant parking lot that we went to after, we got a space, right next to the door, we were blessed all day. Truly, this day was supposed to happen, which leads me to believe that this marriage is supposed to take place, and since the bride and groom have not been a couple a very long time, and really who's to say what an appropriate time is to know when it's real and when it's not? I would say, after yesterday and everything going right, I would say, the rest is good to go.  I love it when things come together!!! Now if they would just register... I could start shopping! :-)

And today was spent with another couple of friends who are getting married. They are just so cute that it's kind of gross, and I mean that in the nicest way. We all went to London this past November for my friends 40th birthday and that's where he proposed. He was supposed to propose in Paris but she got sick and I sent her to a hospital because she was so sick and it wrecked their plans of going to another country for the weekend. Sorry guys! But St Paul's Cathedral took over as a wonderful spot for him to propose. My roomie made them a collage of pictures from London and gave it to them today as part of their wedding present. They loved it. Of course they loved it, it was a great gift. 

So this weekend was about love.... love that I have not experienced yet, someday I hope to. I haven't given up yet. My friend's October wedding is in Vegas, the same weekend that my other friend is having his bachelor party, also in Vegas. I'm not telling him where we're staying cause I know he'll try to set me up with some of his friends and I'm not sure I'm ready to partake in "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".... As I get older, I'm learning that I'm far more traditional than I ever would have thought and that there is nothing wrong with that. That and I promised my roommate I wouldn't get married in Vegas, this was after we were listening to a Carrie Underwood song.... yeah, cause that's so going to happen.....

well, now it's 2:47 time for me to go to bed. See you later.

90210, the new years

Really? Don't get me wrong, I openly admit I loved the original and I'm intrigued by the fact that a second one has been made but is anyone else noticing that these young actresses desperately need a sandwich? Were the original actresses that thin? The camera is supposed to add 10 pounds, are they kidding? I mean, Jenny Garth looks amazing but the younger girls really look emaciated. What is this world coming to? It's bad enough that teens/young women out there have fashion mags out there teaching them that they have to be super thin, with perfect skin, perfect hair, perfect teeth and perfect breasts, but wouldn't it be nice if a TV show actually showed teens in real life? It's kind of like how I feel about Jessica Simpson being a role model for younger girls, seeing her in that reality show when she was married to Nick, it was embarrassing having her in the same gender! I mean come on, at least pretend that you know how to use a washing machine, or that you can read the directions underneath the cover..... I mean really????

I want younger girls to believe in themselves for their minds, for their sense of self, for their ability to carry on an intelligent conversation, for feeling beautiful on the inside... not because they fit into a size zero jeans that cost $200. i just think that there are more important things in life that we should be teaching our children. I have always been overweight and it has always been an issue, it was never okay in my family. I can remember being 13 years old and having my grandmother ask me "if I really needed" that extra piece of cake, or brownie or whatever it was in front of my whole family, it was mortifying.... All my Mother ever said was that she was never popular because she was overweight growing up and that I would never be asked to a prom, or be part of a group, or have a boyfriend if I didn't watch my weight... well did I prove her wrong!!!??? I was still overweight and I went to 3 proms my senior year, I was in student government, youth ministry, as well as ski club and drama club at my brother's school, I went to an all girls' school and my brother went to an all boys' school... but the kicker of it was that I was the only one that got hurt cause my weight problem never went away and it's been 20 years since I graduated and I'm still battling it. My Mother still has issues with weight, but not necessarily her own, she makes comments to my younger cousins and she makes comments about my niece (who is 4), and it brings me right back to age 12 again. I tell all of my younger cousins and my neice that they are all beautiful, and I tell them that all the time... all the time. I never heard that I was beautiful, oh wait, I heard it once, when I was waiting for one of my prom dates to pick me up, she told me I looked beautiful then.... not that I was beautiful, that I looked beautiful. Trust me, there is a difference, it may not seem like a big deal  but really it is. I don't know I guess I just refuse to let someone I love not feel loved or feel less than desirable for how they look. 

Okay, I guess that's enough ranting for now.... who knew 90210 could be that deep??? I promise not to always be this morose or deep in the future, sometimes I can be funny... sometimes!